


Conversations

by Maygra



Series: To Make of Heaven, Earth [2]
Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Magnificent Seven AU: ATF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 16:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maygra/pseuds/Maygra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally published 01/25/2002 </p><p>Category: ATF:  Angst, Drama, Established Relationship.<br/>Rating: PG13<br/>Pairing/Characters: Chris/Vin, Buck<br/>Summary: This is kind of a companion piece to Saving Grace, taking place afterward. Just a conversation in my head as Buck tries to reorder his thinking to include Vin as the significant other in Chris' life, while Chris tries to come to terms with it himself. It's sheer indulgence on my part. Comments to maygra@bellsouth.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conversations

The bar was clearing out and Chris acknowledged it, suddenly realizing he didn't have to lean forward any longer to keep from knocking his chair against the person sitting at the table behind them. There wasn't anyone behind them or next to them and the booths on the sides were also almost empty. The waitresses were starting to do some closing prep and Chris scooted his chair back and stretched his legs out.

Thin crowd: Buck still trying to get the new waitress' number; Josiah and Nathan talking intensely -- or as intensely as two men could after four beers and three shots of scotch, Josiah's current liquor of choice. Around the world on a brewery tour he called it. JD was listening to them, or at least he was leaning in toward them, blinking occasionally like he was trying to concentrate on what was being said, but Chris thought he was actually closer to being asleep with his eyes open. Every so often though, he would nod at something one of the older two men said and Chris thought maybe he was the one who should be sleeping.

Inez called last call and Buck raised his hand, having two more beers sent to the table and another shot of whiskey. Chris only looked at his own unfinished glass and fingered it, wondering if he wanted to get any drunker and then wondering if he were really drunk at all.

Buzzed, yes. Although not as strongly as before and he shook his head experimentally to see if there would be any of the soft fuzziness of his vision that accompanied a serious drowning of brain cells.

Not so fuzzy but definitely soft focused and he closed one eye until the room settled a bit. Okay. Not driving and he checked for his phone and the time, wondering if he should just call a cab.

It might piss Vin off a bit if he called a cab but it was three o'clock in the morning. Still, when Vin had not felt up to staying, he insisted Chris stay and enjoy himself. It was Friday night, Chris was staying in town and Vin told him it was ridiculous for him to give up a little down time just because Vin was tired and couldn't drink anyway.

Vin had only been back at work for a week, still on meds which meant he was off drinking although he allowed that a single beer probably wouldn't make a difference -- as long as Nathan didn't catch him drinking it. So he stole half of Chris' while Nathan and Buck played pool, then half of Ezra's while he was trying to entice someone into a little friendly poker game, then cut himself off. He stayed another couple of hours, took on the winner of the pool game and beat Buck, which didn't improve Buck's mood but then Chris took on Vin and by and large it had been a pretty enjoyable evening until Vin finally leaned over to tell Chris he was tired and headed back.

Chris would have left then but Buck caught him to ask him something and ten minutes later, Vin was hunting for Chris' phone to call a cab for himself and Chris pulled himself away from whatever nonsense Buck was rambling on about, saying they could go.

It wasn't like the bar suddenly went silent or anything but there was quiet, Buck watching them both, but mostly Vin. Vin met Buck's gaze steadily with something halfway between understanding and annoyance.

"It's just a few blocks. I can get home by myself. Been doing it for awhile, you know," Vin said easily, grinning at Chris. "Stick around, Chris. Ain't nothing happening at home except sleep," he said and the last word was said pointedly which made Chris grin and reach under the table to run a hand up Vin's thigh. Vin caught his fingers, shaking his head with another small smile. "Down, cowboy." He'd said it quietly, against Chris' ear almost: just a whisper and for all Chris knew he was deaf to the rest of the bar.

"Naw, I'm ready to head out," Chris said and pulled his keys out to plunk them into Vin's hand. "But in no shape to drive."

"Well, you two sure should take it someplace else," Buck said and he was smiling but it was a brittle, forced kind of smile that Chris was just sober enough to notice. It pissed him off but before he could say anything, Vin's fingers closed over the keys.

"I'm going home to bed. You call me when you're ready to leave and I'll come back and get you." He ignored Buck.

"I'm ready to go now," Chris insisted half-rising and glaring at Buck.

"Ain't nothing stopping you," Buck said.

Vin pushed Chris back down and glanced at the other man, studying Buck carefully. Vin looked away first. "I'll talk to you when you're sober, Bucklin," Vin said. "But I'm thinking maybe it would be better if'n you two talked while you're a mite buzzed. Then maybe you can sort it out and forget about it tomorrow."

The blue eyes met Chris' before Chris could argue back and he wasn't drunk enough to miss the almost pleading look Vin gave him.

_Settle it. This isn't a friendship I want you to lose._

Vin had said that just a few days ago. Buck had been riding him a little hard for the last few days, dropping some comments that spoke more of Buck's confusion and maybe a little pain than because he really thought badly of Vin or Chris. He was lashing out and Vin was an easier target because Chris' temper was still too sharp and hot -- and his feelings for Vin still too new. He'd gotten angry while Vin had just let Buck make his comments and ignored them, and done nothing but treat Buck the same way he always had -- which made Buck feel guilty and he'd do okay for a few days then it would start up again.

Vin had seen it for what it was and told Chris he figured Buck suspected there was more between he and Chris than friendship alone, long before Buck had ever admitted it to himself. But the timing was all wrong. Vin had come too close to dying on the Juarez op for Buck to feel anything but concern for Vin while he recovered.

And Vin and Buck had spoken once about it, but Vin wouldn't tell Chris what was said, even to the point of them fighting over it -- Vin maintaining his friendship with Buck was a separate thing and it would last or not on its own strengths or weaknesses.

"I'm not putting you in the middle of this," Vin said. "And I'm not getting in the middle of you and Buck. Settle it. This isn't a friendship I want you to lose. But I can't save it for you, cowboy."

But damn if he wasn't trying.

Vin left and Ezra followed shortly afterward, the five remaining men split another pitcher of beer while Buck and Chris glared at each other until they'd had enough alcohol to wear off the rough edges. They made it through a doubles pool game that Chris was pretty sure Josiah set up to keep the peace and it got easier as they played and tagged partners and Chris remembered that Buck was a friend and a helluva pool player -- especially when he was drunk.

Somewhere near the end of the game they'd both realized that they weren't really mad at each other anymore and Buck had eyed the table, then laid the pool cue down and they made it back to the table. "You gonna call Vin or a cab?" Buck asked him, watching Chris finger his phone.

"Probably Vin," Chris admitted, half wishing he could take a cab just to watch Vin wake up when he got there.

"Guess junior's got you pretty much figured out."

Chris had bristled a little but Buck was more admiring than being snide, blinking at Chris like seeing him for the first time. "Pretty well. He's got you damn near pegged too," Chris reminded him and Buck had agreed and poured Chris another beer.

It was a truce of sorts and lasted, but the buzz was wearing off and Chris wondered if they'd end up at loggerheads again once they were both stone cold sober.

"Crazy to wake him up just to get your sorry ass home," Buck said, taking a good swallow of his whiskey then a sip of beer.

"Yeah," Chris admitted but he smiled a little.

"Jeez, Chris..." Buck said watching him. "Never thought to see you so bad off again."

Chris eyed him, not sure if there was an insult in there somewhere or not. "Meaning what?"

"Meaning...you got that look on your face. Like when you..." he stopped, maybe just sober enough to realize he was coming close to crossing the line again and not really ready to push it that far.

Except maybe he needed to and Chris was suddenly a whole lot more sober, watching Buck take a swallow of beer and then whiskey this time, frowning at the two glasses because he'd got them out of order.

"Whiskey, then beer," Chris pointed out helpfully.

"Or both," Buck said on a chuckle, dropping the shot glass in the mug and laughing as the beer foamed. He took a good swig. "Boilermakers. Best going." He grinned at Chris then shook his head. "You gonna call him?"

"Yeah," Chris said and realized he was, punching up Vin's number. Vin picked it up before it could ring a second time. "Hey. It's me."

"You ready to come home?" Vin asked around a yawn Chris could hear.

"Yeah. They are going to kick us out soon anyway. You sure you want to come back here?"

"Shut up, Larabee. I'll be there in fifteen," Vin said and Chris could only smile despite Vin's words. He turned the phone off and found Buck still watching him.

"Checking up on you to make sure you don't duck out on him with somebody softer and curvier?" Buck asked and that scowl was back, the one Chris wanted to knock off Buck's face with his fist.

"No. You're being an ass, Buck," Chris said, suddenly tired. "What is your problem?"

"Not my problem," Buck said and Chris realized that Buck was also more sober than he appeared -- but not entirely so.

_Settle it._

And he had to or walk out now and wait for Vin outside and Buck would still be there, unhappy and confused and eventually one of them was going to say something he'd regret and that couldn't easily be taken back.

Chris leaned in. "You know why he makes me call him, Buck?" he asked, studying the face of his oldest friend, seeing the years that had built up there, in the lines and scars. Time was catching up to both of them -- he could see it in the fact that now and then, Buck had to pull a grey hair out of that carefully trimmed dark moustache.

"None of my business," Buck said, discomfort plain and painful on his face. He pulled back but Chris grabbed his arm, dug his fingers in a little before Buck could move back too far.

"I'm making it yours since you can't seem to stay out of it," Chris said. "Or make sense of it. So let me help you out a little. He wants me to call because I'm staying with him," _...in his apartment, in his bed, in his arms..._ "..and I'm a little drunk and he wants to make sure I come back to him safe. And the best way he knows how to do that is to make sure he's the one looking after me. Not a cabby, not one of my other nearly as drunk friends."

Buck was silent, easing his arm from under Chris' grasp. "Okay. That's ...good of him. It's...he's a good friend. I get it."

"No, you don't, and I wish to God you did," Chris said, quietly. "It's no more than you'd do or have done."

"Well, hell, Chris..." Buck started and there was a flush to his cheeks. "I know he cares, about you...so do I..."

"Buck," Chris said, willing Buck to hear him and understand. "He loves me and I love him and the only difference between how he loves me and how you do or even how I love you or how I loved Sarah is that..." Chris stopped. He was too drunk to have this conversation. Buck Wilmington loved him as only a good friend could, as only an old friend would ever dare, or how a member of the family might and the gradations between were so slight, Chris couldn't even articulate them.

Buck looked down and then away, eyes unfocused until they homed in on Chris' face again. "He's here."

Chris looked around but he didn't see Vin and Buck gripped his shoulder. "Not yet, I meant...he's here, there...when you get up, when you get home. When you turn around, even when he's not..." Buck said softly.

Chris nodded, breath caught in his throat for a moment, because Buck did understand which made his behavior all the more difficult to understand. "Do you resent that? Is that what...he isn't something in between Sarah and Adam and whatever you think is out there waiting for me. He is what, who, was waiting. That I was waiting for, looking for. That's what you wanted for me, right?"

Buck rubbed his eyes and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, pard, it is..."

"Because he's a man," Chris said finally and that was still a surprise, coming from Buck.

"No...shit," Buck said. "Yeah, partly. I don't care, Chris...not in the general sense...life's too short and folks should be able to love...or..." he stumbled over the words, "make love to who they want but you...."

Chris sat back. "Husband, father..."

"Dammit, don't put words in my mouth," Buck snarled, softly, glancing up, but Chris didn't care if Josiah and JD and Nathan were listening. Chris didn't even know if they were still there. "It's too...easy to get taken away from you again. You didn't see yourself a few weeks ago when he...!" he snapped. "And yes. A wife, children...that's what you had, what made you happy...you can't have that with ..."

"I kind of figured that out," Chris said flatly. "You waiting for that, Buck? That what you want for yourself, see for yourself, whenever you finish working your way through half the population?"

"Maybe. This isn't about me."

"No. It's not. And it isn't about what you want for me. Or what you think I should want. You want me happy? You want me to be the way I was when I had Sarah and Adam?"

Chris knew his tone was cold and hard and Buck was floundering under the questions under the scrutiny. "Yes, dammit," Buck said finally when Chris wouldn't drop his gaze.

"Never gonna happen. Not what I had with Sarah and Adam. Even if I got married again, had kids, it wouldn't be the same. It might be good, I might be happy but it wouldn't be the same. But if you want me happy...maybe you should start looking at me as I am, and not comparing me to what you remember," Chris said and got to his feet. Unsteadily, but he made it. "You take a good look when you get your head out of your ass and then you tell me what you see."

Buck looked up, face red again and Chris knew that the alcohol had worn off. Chris leaned in, resting a hand on Buck's shoulder. "When I wake up in the morning, when I get home at night...when he walks across the room or shoots Nerf balls at you in the office...If you see me not looking happy, you can pretty much bet that Vin's nowhere near. And the bad part of it is, Buck, is that I can't have him the way I had Sarah. I can't always wrap my arms around him, kiss him when we're out. I can't introduce him to anyone and everyone. Because I'm that much of a coward and because that part of me you think this isn't right for this kind of a...relationship...well, you'd be right."

Harder to admit than to say but Chris knew it to be true. He wasn't ashamed of Vin, wasn't embarrassed by what they shared, but the scrutiny they could come under, the speculation both furtive and vicious, that made him cautious. It did shame Chris though, that he was trading on security to the detriment of equality, of freedom in a way. It might have been pride, but Chris knew it in his gut that it was fear more than anything. And that's what he saw in Buck's face, heard in his anger and his confusion. It pissed him off because what Buck was resisting was the same thing Chris was.

"He deserves a whole lot better than I can offer him, but he doesn't care. Now you tell me, if it was Sarah, would she put up with that kind of bullshit?"

Buck only stared at him and then shook his head. "No. She'd have kicked your ass out if you treated her that way."

"Then she'd have been a fool."

It was said softly and Chris turned, almost stumbling, only Vin's hand came out to steady him.

"No offense to Sarah, fellas, but..." Vin shook his head and eyed Chris. "I think she was a smarter lady than that, from what I know. You ready?" he asked Chris as if he hadn't heard any of it, and Chris didn't know how much he had heard.

"Yeah. I'm done," Chris said, feeling his own face heat up.

"You need a ride, Buck?" Vin asked and looked back. "Nate? 'ziah? JD? Be tight but we can get you all in."

Chris wasn't paying attention, really. He glared at Buck, then followed the others as they settled the bill, walking out into the cool night air and his head got clearer still. The others got into his extended cab: a tight fit but they made it, with Josiah taking a seat in the truck bed. Vin laughed when they stopped because Josiah fell asleep and it took he and Nate to wake him and walk the man to his front door and see him safely inside. They dropped Nate off next, Vin taking the round about route so he would end up closer to his apartment after they dropped Buck and JD off, who actually lived closer to the bar.

JD was half asleep but he called out good night even though Buck lingered, leaning on the open window on the passenger side. "'preciate the ride, Vin."

Vin only grinned at him. "Thank Chris. His gas."

"Yeah, but your time...and you were wrong, Vin. Sarah wasn't a fool and she would have kicked his ass. But she wouldn't have given up on him or given him up."

"Guess you and her had a lot in common, then, didn't you Bucklin?" Vin said, the corner of his mouth twitching. "Both of you good-looking and stubborn," he added and Chris couldn't help but grin when Buck laughed.

The laughter eased off into a chuckle and Buck stretched a little then took a breath. "I'm thinking I should apologize."

"For caring too much?" Vin asked and Chris could only look at him, then reached across the seat to catch Vin's hand, squeezing the long fingers gently. There was a thank you there, if only for Vin being able to see through what Chris had been too angry to see at first or very clearly.

"Maybe so," Buck said. "Maybe caring about the wrong things," he said and met Chris' gaze. "I can be slow."

"But ever steady, Buck," Chris said and offered his other hand to his friend. Buck took it easily, a firm steady pressure on Chris' forearm.

It was almost painful, that moment, Chris almost able to feel Buck let go of something that he had held dear to his heart for a long time. Vin's fingers tightened on his as well and Chris thought maybe Buck wasn't the only one who need to cut loose of a few ideas, a few hopes.

Buck finally let go and made his way inside, Vin waiting until he saw him safely inside the condo doors before putting the truck in gear. Chris reached across and stopped him.

What else could he have told Buck? Not this, seeing Vin's face, partly in shadow from the streetlights, but still seeing him clearly, still able to see the half smile that spoke of indulgence and patience. Should he have told Buck that he didn't think of Sarah at all when his thumb brushed over the side of Vin's cheek and jaw, feeling the soft stubble there or the hard edged line of his jaw, the softness of his lips?

Should he have told Buck that Sarah had been beautiful and the center of his universe? But then the universe had shifted and that Vin now occupied that spot, the center, the anchor to everything that Chris needed or wanted? No other child could replace his son, nor any other woman his wife, but Vin could and did occupy a place separate and every bit as important and cherished as his family had.

Vin didn't pull back but leaned in, mouth yielding to the pressure of Chris' mouth, lacing their fingers together once more and twisting so he could push his fingers through Chris' hair and cup the back of his neck. Not even the fire of passion, just warmth, there, between them, safe and secure in what he felt for Vin and knew was returned when so little else in their lives was even a kissing cousin to safe.

"You all right?" Vin asked him, when Chris pulled back, wishing he could see Vin's eyes more clearly.

"Will be. Buck too."

Vin nodded, "Hope so...didn't really want to have to kick his ass."

"Pissed you off?"

Vin put the truck in gear. "No. Just getting tired of him being such a damn mule. Not that you've been much better."

"Me?"

Vin grunted and glanced over at him. "Don't give me that look, Larabee. Those eyes haven't been able to look innocent practically since before I was born. How Sarah ever put up with the pair of you, I'll never know. Woman should be nominated for sainthood."

Chris only grinned and leaned back.

"Chris," Vin said after a few minutes of driving through the dark and near deserted streets of Denver.

"Yeah?" he moved his head, looking at Vin's profile and sat up a little, seeing a troubled expression on the normally peaceful face.

"Don't ever think you aren't enough for me, that I deserve better. Jes'...don't okay? I know what I've got and ...all that...it don't matter. Not to me. Everything I ever wanted."

Vin looked at him and Chris nodded. "Okay. Both got what we deserve, the best of it," he said quietly and Vin nodded.

Closing his eyes, Chris thought he could sleep but didn't. It wasn't that long of a drive and while he was pretty sober, he was tired and he was going to have a hell of a headache when he woke up. He wasn't up to going through it twice. He could feel it already, working its way from his neck to his temples.

Vin parked the truck behind his building and waited for Chris to get out before locking it up and setting the alarms. He bypassed the elevator and Chris looked at it wistfully. Vin chuckled. "Take it if you want. If you aren't up in a couple of hours, I'll come rescue you."

Chris gave him a sour look and punched the button. Vin only laughed and headed up the stairs. A couple of minutes later Chris was ready to follow him when the ancient elevator finally squealed and rumbled and the doors slid open slowly. Chris got in and punched the worn brass button for the fourth floor then let out a deep sigh as he waited for the doors to close. Christmas would come sooner.

He wasn't even sure the damn thing was moving until it jerked and rumbled, rising slowly and Chris was ready to sink to the floor and catch a couple of hours of sleep. It stopped on the second floor, the doors opening slowly again and staying that way. Chris was ready to push out and take the stairs when they closed again.

It stopped on the third floor as well, even though Chris hadn't touched the button and he glared at the panel, determined to wait the damn machinery out rather than give into its cantankerous sense of humor. When it hit the fourth floor the doors stuck halfway open and Chris pushed through anyway, cursing at the thing and found Vin standing in his open doorway, arms across his chest, watching him and grinning. "Jeez cowboy, it's Monday already."

"Why don't they fix that thing?"

"It's got character. Works well enough for Mrs. Stewart," Vin said seriously and Chris glanced at the elevator, seeing how its slowness would be to the advantage of Vin's downstairs neighbor who walked with a walker, independent but slow. "Get a move on, stud. It's four o'clock in the morning and I'm tired," Vin said, eyes dancing but he did look tired, his drawl fairly pronounced, but he looked at peace too, and Chris nodded, following him inside and locking the door behind them.

Chris was tired as well: long week, long night and definitely the hardest conversation he'd had with Buck in awhile. Vin steered him toward the bedroom as if he were drunker than he was and Chris let him. Let him help get his boots off and his clothes then Vin let Chris get himself to the bathroom while Vin stripped down again and climbed into bed. Vin was half asleep when Chris returned, blinking at him then pulling the covers back.

Chris wanted to contemplate his lover but Vin shoved him, pink staining his cheeks when he caught Chris' eyes on him. "None of that bullshit tonight, Larabee. Go to sleep."

Chris grinned. "Just looking."

"Yeah, well, I'm too tired to put up with it. You can look in the morning when I've had some rest," Vin said but he didn't move away when Chris rolled up next to him, fitting their bodies together, or when he touched him. It was the staring Vin had a problem with unless he was ready for it, willing to play.

"You think Buck's okay?" Vin asked after a few moment, relaxing under the long strokes of Chris hand along his side and flank. The light was off but there was light enough and Chris nuzzled the back of his neck.

"Getting there. It was never about you," Chris said, wondering if Vin actually knew that or had just been guessing.

"That's a comfort," Vin said, and there was sarcasm there that Chris found odd and unsettling.

"Whoa," Chris said and propped himself up on his elbow, pulling Vin's shoulder back so he could see his face. "Where'd that come from? It wasn't, isn't, Vin."

Vin stared up at him and Chris was startled to see a hint of anger on his face, coupled with the same troubled expression he'd seen earlier.

"You can be a right arrogant son of bitch sometimes, Larabee," Vin said. "What the hell did you expect? You've been luckier about this whole thing than anyone has a right to be," Vin said and dropped his head back on the pillow, rubbing his eyes. "We both have. God, I hope you know what kinds of friends you've got and how rare...it is to find 'em...not once but five times. Six if you count Travis."

Chris blinked and shook his head, then reached over Vin to turn on the bedside light. "Did somebody pick tonight to be whale on Larabee night or what? What's got into your post toasties?"

"Post--?" Vin stared at him then started laughing which left Chris reeling: from anger to laughter that fast. Maybe he was still drunk because nothing was making much sense. "Chris, for a guy who's so damn smart, sometimes I wonder how you find your way home. Did you really think you could wander into this thing with me and think no one would notice or care?"

"It's none of their business," Chris groused, disgruntled and yet hearing a ring of truth in it. "Don't want or need their permission -- not even Buck's. They can take it or get over it."

"They are taking it," Vin said, folding an arm under his head and studying Chris' face. He reached up with his other hand to stroke along Chris' cheek. "So, maybe I shouldn't have bitten your head off but, Jesus, Chris...you need to wake up and smell the coffee, pard. Whether you want it ta' matter or not, you got folks who give a shit about you -- aside from me. And you can't tell me that you didn't know that -- or that you really don't care what Buck thinks or JD or Nate, any of 'em. You might be willing to be shut of 'em if they don't like it, but they aren't willing to be shut of you."

"So, I'm an insensitive bastard," Chris said.

"Shit, Larabee! You'd make a saint commit murder," Vin said and grabbed him by the back of the neck and kissed him hard.

Hard and deep and Chris was having a hard time tracking the conversation under Vin's kiss. He reached for the rest of him, got Vin half in his arms while Chris lay back only to have his lover pull back. "Pay attention," Vin said, stern look on his face but his eyes were dancing again. "Cause we're only doing this once. I know it's not about me, and those boys, our friends...don't give a shit if I'm queer or fucking you or if I were fucking somebody else. They haven't knowed me long enough to think I've ever been any different. But you...you don't get to spend the rest of your life being pissed off about this."

"I'm not pissed off! At least I wasn't until you started in..."

"So you haven't been mad at Buck?" Vin asked.

"Only when he's being an ass," Chris said flatly.

"And you aren't pissed off because we got called to the review board?" Vin pressed. "You don't get the urge to punch faces every time you hear a snide comment in the halls or in the gym, talking about us, you, me...?"

"They're assholes, Vin! Bullies on the playground. Gutless homophobes."

"Yeah, they are. Get used to it," Vin said and his voice wasn't harsh or cold, but soft and almost apologetic.

"Hell no!" Chris said and pushed up almost dumping Vin on the bed. "It shouldn't matter who I'm sleeping with or if it's man or woman. Who I sleep with or who you sleep with isn't who we are."

Vin leaned back on both elbows and watched him, making Chris a little uncomfortable since he was stomping around in his all together. Glaring at Vin he went to the dresser and pulled out a pair of gym shorts, jerking them on and pacing. "Is there some reason why we are doing this at four o'fucking clock in the morning?"

"Think of it as a hangover cure," Vin said, nonplussed. "Because it's going to get worse and Bucklin was the easiest part. I didn't get into this to watch your rip yourself to pieces a little bit at the time. And that's what I'm seeing. It's what you said, Chris. And you ain't no coward."

Chris stared at him then closed his eyes, thinking maybe it was a dream he'd wake up from. "What are you talking about?"

Vin looked away. "'Can't wrap your arms around me or kiss me or introduce me to anyone and everyone'...save you're wrong, cowboy. I do care. Not that we can't do that, won't do that...but because you know it. Because it cuts into you every time someone says something, looks at you funny...but you have to deal with it. And better now, before it gets the better of you. 'Cause it will, if you let it."

Vin didn't otherwise move but he looked back at Chris, experience in those old-young eyes, bitterly won and conquered, Chris knew. It cut deep, what Vin said, coming home to rest straight and true as a fatal shot and Chris sat on the end of the bed.

He really hadn't thought about it, gone ahead and shoved it down throat after throat, including his own because he wouldn't accept anything that said falling in love with Vin was anything less than the best thing that had happened to him in too many years.

And Buck had choked on it. Almost. Chris had almost let him.

"Buck was the easiest, huh?" Chris said softly, the anger draining out of him.

Vin moved up behind him, wrapped his arms around Chris' waist and chest and rested his chin on his shoulder. "'Fraid so."

"God...just shoot me now," he said and felt rather than heard Vin laugh.

"Ain't fatal. Well, not usually," Vin said and there was any underlying seriousness there. "Don't need you take up the banner of activism, there, Chris. But you need to think on this some."

Chris closed his eyes and covered Vin's forearm around his chest with his hand. "I have. That's what...talking to Buck. I should be able to kiss you whenever, wherever I want. In front of our friends even when you ...you aren't...hurt or..." he took a deep shuddering breath and Vin hugged him tightly, holding on, holding them together. "And I don't ..too...embarrassed, self-conscious...makes me mad..."

"At yourself. I know. But you gotta let it go. It ain't hurting me, Chris. And I'd rather play tonsil hockey in private anyway," he said, kissing Chris' shoulder. "But it's eating at you. Someday...hell, things have changed so much just in the last ten years, who knows what'll happen in the next ten? But for now...you can throw it in their faces but you gotta let it come back, easy like. It'll tear you apart."

And tear Vin apart as well, to watch it. And how long before Chris would resent it, blame him, the way he'd held onto blaming Buck for Sarah and Adam for so long, too long, when it wasn't Buck's fault at all? It was hard to take, to accept that what Vin said was true. To take in how privileged he'd been in his life: middle America, apple pie and mom. To have all doors open to him because of his race and education and economic status -- the only barriers he'd ever encountered had been of his own making: too quick a temper, too hard line and uncompromising. Maybe because of all that he truly hated injustice; hated profit made from other people's misery or weakness. It made him want equality for people but he'd never really had to deal with the idea that it just wasn't that way all the time, not for everyone. And that was scary too. Not enough to make him back down, but he knew where the anger was coming from. He looked at Vin, met the blue-eyed, open gaze and felt Vin's steady strength, his courage, envied him the ability to see through his own fears into Chris' anger.

"Got any other sage advice?"

"Hell, no. Learn better on your own, sticks with you longer," Vin teased gently. "Welcome to Oz, Dorothy," he said with a chuckle.

"So, does this mean I should practice checking out other guys' asses?" Chris shot back with a half smile.

"Not if you want any of mine, Larabee. I don't share so good," Vin said and tapped Chris' stomach with his fist, getting a grunt out of Chris. He pulled Chris' head back for a soft kiss before pulling away to settle back on the bed and turn the light off. "Shame you put them shorts on," he said softly and Chris twisted, seeing the grin on his lover's face.

"I can fix that," Chris warned and shucked them, climbing back onto the bed and pulling the blankets back. "You've got some weird ideas about foreplay, Tanner."

"Yeah, maybe, but my delivery is aces, sport," Vin said and jerked him down, pulling Chris into the follow through with breathtaking skill. Dawn was breaking by the time Chris flopped onto his belly, half covering his lover, feeling sated and pleasantly exhausted and a little smug when it took Vin long minutes to start breathing evenly again.

"I think you share pretty good," he whispered against the damp hair and skin. "Expanding my horizons and all."

"Don't get any ideas, Larabee," Vin muttered. "I've just about gotten you broken in. Ain't going through this again anytime soon. Too much damn work."

Chris chuckled, pushed the dark hair off Vin's neck and bit the exposed skin gently. "Saved up just for me, didn't you? All those words," he said and watched Vin's lips curve into a smile.

"Yeah. Next time I'm buying you a greeting card." Vin rolled over, looking up at Chris' face, fingers lifting lazily to trace the line of his jaw, up to his temple. "Don't often need words with you, cowboy. Other folks though..."

Chris silenced him with his mouth. "Shhhh. Anybody ever tell you you talk too damn much?"

~~end~~~

01/25/2002

**Author's Note:**

> Just a historical comment: as noted in the beginning; this was originally written in 2002 - and posted here in 2014. In a dozen years, while not all attitudes have changed about same sex couples, a lot have things have changed and all to the good as far as I'm concerned, but as I was reposting this story (and others set in the areas of law enforcement area) all I could think was...wow...while this conversation and Buck's personal concerns still have relevance, if I was writing it today, I think Chris would be a lot less concerned about the public expressions of his relationship with Vin. Not because he wouldn't still get blowback from it, but because the climate has changed enough where someone like Larabee would be more likely to be in the face of any agency disapproval over it, and be shoving his and his team's success rate down their throats. 
> 
> It doesn't really affect anything about this -- this story is more personal, rather than political -- but still...we've come a long way, babies.


End file.
